I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
