I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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