OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
