Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
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He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
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I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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