I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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