this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
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Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....