you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
