Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1