i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
