i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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