are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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