So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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