return my video game
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
