At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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