I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit