Soap is not a condiment
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!