Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
is wine microwaveable?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
