Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
