nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
