Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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