I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
