if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
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She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
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fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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