i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
