I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
