then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
