Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
