you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
