apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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