I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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