I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
