after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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