: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.