ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents