Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
