new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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