life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
