took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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