So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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