you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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