In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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