I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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