You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
