There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
