Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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