Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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