i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
