I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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