history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
