I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
