Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
