so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
