I got chris browned last night
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
