just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
