I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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