i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
