why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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