i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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