he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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