My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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