Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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